Top Products for Douches

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This is the definitive list of products the Douche's own, if you own or use any of these, well, your a Douche.
 
10.) Axe Body Spray
Perhaps the douchiest of all the body sprays, Axe's scent alone wouldn't be enough to push it into the top 10, but coupled with a marketing campaign specifically tailored to douche bags, it squeezes its way in.
 
9.) Spray on Tans
If you're a white male you just have to accept the fact that you're going to be pasty white for about eight months of the year and alternate between sunburned and tan for the other four.
 
8.) Large Face Watches
If you're going to wear a watch, there's a simple bell-curve of functionality versus size that needs to be adhered to. After a certain point your watch becomes so large it ceases to be merely a functional time telling device and transforms into a giant gaudy douchometer that's constantly pinging "hot." Unless you're Dick Tracy or Randy Jackson.
 
7.) Puka Shell Necklaces
Although only the first link in the popped collar/white hat trifecta, the puka shell necklace is still a strong stand alone sign of douchiness. Unless you're a Hawaii native there's really no way to justify this.
 
6.) Calvin Peeing on Anything
This co-opted image from the beloved comic strip offers a creative way to voice an opinion on issues ranging from brand superiority all the way to environmental consciousness. Unfortunately, just because Calvin is peeing on global warming doesn't mean it'll magically reduce the emissions on your shit box.
 
5.) Barbed Wire / Tribal Tattoo
Maybe there was a time when a this tattoo really meant something; a golden era of manliness where getting one was an initiation into a tough-guy society and everyone sat around talking about chest hair, motor oil, and mixed martial arts. Sadly, if there ever was a time like that, it's long passed, so stop reminding us with ink that your a douche.
 
4.) Trailer Hitch Balls
The trailer hitch doppelganger of a pissing Calvin sticker, "Your Nutz" are the ideal vehicle accessory for any guy who decides a V8 Hemi is still a little too subtle. Giving your truck its own set of balls makes a bold statement about the type of life you lead. It says "I'm not afraid to let it all hang out." It says "I've got stones" and "Convention be damned, I do what I want." But most importantly, it tells everyone else on the road to watch out for the asshole in the pickup that spent twenty-five bucks on a fake pair of balls.
 
3.) Female Body Investigator T-Shirt
It's an acronym for guys who are only vaguely aware of what an acronym is. Although one of the douchier t-shirts around, you could really expand the FBI shirt to encompass any "I'm on spring break" type slogan, including "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor" and all paraphernalia with the shocker on it.
 
2.) Bluetooth Headset
While the technology is useful, the application pretty much consists of causing public disruptions and walking around leaving a verbal fart trail of self-importance in your wake. The one caveat to this might be the surprisingly large percentage of Bluetooth users that look like they're dirt poor and yet are sporting a shiny new headset to field the incoming calls on their cellphone that's been "temporarily disconnected."
 
1.) I Heart Penis Products
T-Shirts, pins, magnets, and even air-fresheners sharing your founding member status in a fan club of one is only tipping people off that they're dealing with a Grade-A douche bag.